The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Andy Williams had it all wrong. I’m sorry, but I’ll take September’s non-stop MLB pennant chasing + NFL + Notre Dame losing to Michigan combination over cold and snow and fake Santas any day. In fact, since it’s an election year, we get even more drama to go with our Irish-trouncing, and if you wait until the end of this post, you’ll even see that the Republicans have JOKES!

But first thing’s first: TUNE IN TO BASEBALL. My lord, between the AL Central showdown, the A’s/Angels wild card battle and the AL East title three-way, I can’t imagine a more exciting scenario (except maybe a non-baseball related three-way, but that’s for a different blog). Consider the NL wild card race and the fact that one of the three AL East teams could also nab the last AL West wild card spot and now allow your mind to be blown (again, maybe better for another blog).

And I haven’t even mentioned the myriad story lines decorating the start to the NFL and college football seasons!

The fact is, for dudes like Mr. Krause and I, it really doesn’t get much better than this. Unless you want to throw in some flaccid punchline deliveries (ZING!)…

Hate me ‘cuz you can, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

You Are What You Eat

If you have a stomach strong enough to stand the neverending barrage of political headline craptitude, then you might already know that the Mitt Romney camp is eager to point out that Barack Obama ate dog as a child. Obviously, this is pretty important stuff. As the Republicans know, you are what you eat (is Astroglide edible?), and no doubt, Obama’s youthful ingestion of doggie treats certainly makes him unfit for a job as demanding as the presidency.

Which got me thinking about my favorite baseballers and what they eat. Sure, some probably go for too much hot dog and not enough arugula salad, but let us examine to make sure. The interns have graciously prepared some slides.

Jonathan Broxton

Eats…

McPizza. Right? Weighing 300 lbs. as a baseball player ain’t easy, but when you only pitch every once in a while and you eat crap like the above, then it’s easy as McPie.

Tom Gorzelanny

Eats…

Baby Ruth. Duh.

Josh Hamilton

Eats…

T*****s.

Dee Gordon

Eats…

Nothing??!! Dude is about to disappear!

And finally (you probably knew this was coming)…

Prince Fielder

Eats…

The known universe.

To be exact, this idea references a fascinatingly disturbing thought theorized by famed astrophysicist, Neil DeGrasse Tyson. One could look at it the way he explains — that an entire universe could be within each and every one of us. Or, you can think (like me), that dude doesn’t get that large unless he eats everything in the entire known universe.

Either way, don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

This Is MLB… and THIS Is MLB on Drudge

There are two taxing and equally debilitating activities that I force myself to partake in, every… single… day. I swallow a big@$$ horse-pill that's supposed to make my cartilage stronger; and I read all of the headlines on The Drudge Report.

If I had time, I would also stick rusty needles under each of my fingernails.

Why do I do these things? I take the horse-pill 'cuz it comes highly recommended by my doctor, and my doctor is a smart dude (he hates the Cubs, man!).

And I check in with The Drudge Report because it's important to know what the "other" side is thinking, how they're scheming, how they're fear mongering and how they're doing other popular GOP pastimes. But mostly I just like to laugh at how Drudge turns a headline like "Wall Street Baffled by Slowing Economy" into "WE ARE ON THE VERGE OF A GREAT, GREAT DEPRESSION".

That's how the dude gets hits. He scares traffic to him!

Indeed, I tip my cap for his savvy, but I wave my finger at his twisted incitations.

And to put things in perspective, I instructed the RSBS interns to take three recent MLB headlines and hand them over to Matt Drudge, just to see what would happen.

Here's what we got:

- – -

Original Headline:"White Sox enjoy another sweep at Fenway"

Headline on Drudge: "SHOW ME ALEXEI RAMIREZ'S BIRTH CERTIFICATE DAMMIT!!!"

- – -

Original Headline: "Holliday, McClellan both land on Cards' DL"

Headline on Drudge: "HOLLIDAY NEVER F$&*ING TOUCHED HOME, HE NEVER TOUCHED IT, HE NEVER TOUCHED IT, I CALL DO-OVER!!!"

- – -

Original Headline: "Swisher's Swat Solidifes Sweep for Yankees" Headline on Drudge: "OMG JORGE POSADA SUCKS, THE BRONX IS BURNING AND WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!"

- – -

Hate me 'cuz I got the connections to make it happen, just don't hate me 'cuz I'm right!

Peace,

Jeff  

Giving Glenn a Hand

Glenn Beck crying.jpgMy heart is filled with sorrow knowing that Glenn Beck, the insane political entertainment leech that he is, will no longer be employed by the fear-mongering moguls at Fox News.  That's right, dear readers.  I, and a collective US America, am in mourning.  Please, let us grieve.

Unfortunately, this mutual divorce means no more frog murdering on live television.  It means no more psychotic temper tantrums directed towards reason.  And yes, sadly, my friends, It means no more *oligarhy*.

But never fear!  Glenn Beck is the Washington Nationals of politics!  He may be an embarrassment to the establishment, but damn does he make things interesting every once in a while!

In fact, rumor has it, he might even start his own television network

And just in case he might need some help, the RSBS interns and I got right to work on finding the most appropriate network name.  Here's a short list of what we came up with:

FoSN – The Full of S*** Network

NOGWN - The No One's Gonna Watch Network

FBC – The Fail Broadcasting Corporation


Can't wait to see what Mr. Beck finds the most appropriate… though early signs point to NOGWN, mostly 'cuz I like how it sounds when you try to say it: "Nahg-wahn".

Hate me.  I don't care.  Just don't hate me 'cuz I'm right.

Peace,

Jeff

Going Rogue? Or Going Crazy…

sarah palin going rogue.jpg

This Going Rogue business is mostly all about making money… right?

If that's the case, then great; I applaud thee, Sarah Palin.  Sell your book!  Make money!  It's the US American way!

Unfortunately, reason tells me that ex-Governor Palin has a hard time separating fantasy from reality — that she is absolutely serious when she says she wants to play a major role in American politics — that she isn't going away anytime soon.

While she remains silent on any possible presidential plans, one must assume that is the ultimate goal. 

And that is insane.

So too is her sheepish quip that she will run only "if people will have me."

Hmm.  Perhaps Madame Palin should start by asking the people of Alaska if they will have her after she abandoned them and her gubernatorial post midterm.  Or perhaps she should ask the people of Russia if they don't mind her looking at them from her living room.  Or perhaps she should just take the money this book and subsequent tour will generate and run, run, run… back into relative obscurity — where she belongs.

We see this sort of thing in baseball all the time.  Players come from out of nowhere.  They shine.  They burn out.  They go away.  Some quicker than others. 

Mark Fidrych.  Pete Incaviglia.  Eric Gagne.

Eric Gagne.jpg

Remember, Sarah, remember.  Remember Eric Gagne  — a man who spent last season with the Quebec Capitales of the independent Canadian-American League.  (Yeah, I've never heard of it either)  Here's a man who, at one time, was more than just unhittable.  He was mad, maniacal, morbid in his destruction of opposing hitters.  He recorded 84 consecutive saves for Christ's sake!  He was lights out!  He was the master of the universe!

Now, the Brewers don't even want him.

And that is sad.

Go away now, while you can, Mrs. Palin… go back to the wilderness while you still have some inkling of pride.  I will support you in that endeavor.

YOU BETCHA!

Hate me 'cuz I won't buy this book, just don't hate me 'cuz I'm right.

Peace,

Jeff

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